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Best Tweets Of The Week (99 Tweets)

This curated collection shows you some of the best tweets of the week! For some more entertainment, here are more tweets to keep you busy. 

1.

Text - SAN EVAS Sam Evans @ReallySamEvans Every single "comforting" advertisement right now feels like a stepdad trying to force a hug 10:57 PM · 5/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone 372 Retweets 2,454 Likes

2.

Text - Law Boy, Esq. @The_Law_Boy our Founding Fathers had a lot of foresight but unfortunately they didn't account for a situation where every single elected representative was a stupid piece of shit

3.

Text - 23 You Retweeted Jo @Jordan_Clinger The problem with online school is that it feels like an optional thing when it's actually super not that way 10:53 AM · 06 Apr 20 · Twitter for iPhone 4 Retweets 15 Likes

4.

Text - Hi, it's Abby. Yep. ABRY VEP! @abbycohenwl Judging purely by its name, the food and drug administration would be a super rad place to work 5:27 AM · 05 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone 221 Retweets 949 Likes

5.

Text - Alice Vaughn @RationalBlonde #boycottcostco in a nutshell: "If you don't have a mask on, you can't shop here." "Oh yeah, well if you won't let me in without a mask on, I'm not shopping here." "Thank you. That's what we said."

6.

Text - JUL @march03rd i genuinely dk how the fuck am i supposed to have kids...ur telling me if they suggest getting ice cream for dinner and picking up another dog on our way backi have to say no and act like thats not a great fuckin idea Imfao sorry im not fake

7.

Text - hannah gulick @gulickhannah didnt have my glasses walking across campus & thought i saw my bf but then i thought no hes at work so i didn't say anything & at that exact moment my bf was walking with his boss & says "thats my gf but shes not wearing glasses watch her not even recognize me" & yk he was right

8.

Text - Lauren L Walker @LLW902 the best part of any fantasy novel isnt fighting dragons or sorcerers. it's when everyone gets to the tavern and they tear into some crusty bread and carve chunks from big blocks of cheese then slurp up flagons of gooseberry wine. sometimes a sausage gets involved

9.

Text - hey buddy comics @ComicsHey wife: i found drugs in our son's bedroom, talk to him [later] me: [sighing] ok so your mom's a narc 12:07 PM · 05 May 20 Twitter for Android

10.

Text - Fred Kirsch @Fred_Kirsch I don't know about you but I'm resting a lot easier at night knowing our car companies are here for me. 12:00 PM · 5/4/20 · Twitter Web App 1 Retweet 82 Likes

11.

Text - georgie sook @georjayykat my mom has trained her unruly 5th grade class to respond to "hear ye hear ye" with "all hail the queen" followed by immediate silence i'm both appalled and impressed

12.

Text - Mitten d'Amour O @MittenDAmour A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague. 10:18·24 Mar 20 · Twitter Web App 2,024 Retweets 15.3K Likes

13.

Text - Wenzler Powers @WenzlerPowers Dolly Parton writing "I Will Always Love You" and "Jolene" in the same day is mind blowing. It'd be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa then turned around in the same day and wrote "Jolene"

14.

Text - Nate Swick @N8Swick Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns. 7:21 AM · 5/6/20 · Twitter Web App

15.

Text - Rylee @RyleeMoser FOR WHAT REASON DOES EVERY APARTMENT COMPLEX HAVE A DOG WEIGHT LIMIT OF 20 POUNDS? I can promise you my 90 pound golden retriever is a hell of a lot better behaved than Karen's 7 pound piece of shit devil worshipping chihuahua

16.

Text - merritt k @merrittk doctor: these pills will fix your brain me: thanks doctor (quietly): they might also make it much worse me: what doctor: what 9/15/16, 10:37 AM 6,009 RETWEETS 14K LIKES

17.

Text - wittyidiot @stephenszczerba If you're not going to open bars, get rid of Open-Container Laws and let us roam free 6 feet apart like majestic drunk buffalo

18.

Text - Scott Shapiro, Grandma Killer @scottjshapiro The trolley is barreling down the track towards five grandmothers. You can pull the switch and redirect it so that it kills no one. But you have to wear a mask to buy a toaster oven. What do you do?

19.

Text - KarlThePale @karl_pale Ever narrowly avoid injury and feel a pinch of survivors guilt cause you KNOW one of your parallel universe selfs just ate shit big time?

20.

Text - Mike Murphy @mcwm I wish airports would split security lines up between people who've literally never been to an airport before and everyone else

21.

Text - Moki Awa @MokiAwa I was 16 when I first experimented with eyeliner. My step grandfather caught me and then made me use a chainsaw for the rest of the afternoon in an attempt to man the queer outa me. I'm still queer but now I could build you the gayest log cabin you ever did see.

22.

Text - Ayn Randy @ltsAndyRyan Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice 1:13 AM 03 May 20 · Twitter for Android

23.

Text - Alex Leo O @AlexMLeo It's truly wild watching people mistake inconvenience for oppression. 7:23 PM · 08 May 20 · Twitter Web App

24.

Text - Josh Holmes O @JoshingtonState Actual quote from my 13yo daughter while playing GTA: "Sorry cops, but the more you send, the more I kill." 1:09 AM 08 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone 15 Retweets 163 Likes

25.

Text - paige @pswizzz Follow the biggest scam of all time was convincing kids that wikipedia, a free source of unlimited information, isn't reliable when there's literal sources at the bottom & a strict editing policy.

26.

Text - Boosh @whatsupboosh Remember when TVs had buttons on the TV itself so if you lost the remote you weren't completely fucked? Why did we get rid of those? 11:55 AM 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

27.

Text - Zac Galifianakis @ZacGalifianakis I feel like potatoes don't get enough recognition for their versatility. Breakfast? Hash browns. Fast food? Fries. Fancy dinner? Baked potato. Holidays? Mashed potato. Relaxing at home? Chips. Party time? Vodka. There's a potato for every occasion. Thank you, potato!

28.

Text - devon sawa @DevonESawa My wife just whipped out a booklet I gave her for Valentine's Day 10 years ago and ripped out and handed me one "Do all the dishes for a week" coupon. I searched for an expiry date and no dice. The fuck?!! 10:25 am · 8/5/20 · Twitter for iPad

29.

Text - Elliott Stewart @E_StewartLittle I cooked dinner for my gf last night and thought I did a good job, until we were watching videos on her phone and a text from her mum popped up that said "I'm sure he tried his best, just eat it"...

30.

Text - Doctor Necrotic Doom @Vordb Holy shit Doctor Necrotic Doom @Vordb 8/11/19 White people be like "this is my son 'Æ" 1:28 AM · 5/8/20 - Twitter for iPhone 123 Retweets 462 Likes

31.

Text - Matt Fernandez O @FattMernandez Every commercial right now sounds ridiculous. It's like "We know things seem bad and people are being tossed into mass graves daily, but we'll get through this together. So come get your tires changed." 7:36 a.m. · 16 Apr. 20 · Twitter for Android

32.

Text - Thoughts of Dog® @dog_feelings if you start leaving the house again. who will be around to say. ohhh big stretch. every time i do a stretch

33.

Text - Jan Van Potgieter @SciTheComedist Dear Americans Please do not ever make a movie about saving the world again. Regards The World 9:41 AM - May 4, 2020 Twitter for Android

34.

Text - Conor Stremlau @Stremlau5 Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It's not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal 17:42 · 9/9/19· Twitter for iPhone

35.

Text - @smithkm217 Therapist: "And what do we say when life disappoints us" Me: "Called it" Therapist: "no" 6:45 PM · 7/9/19 Twitter for Android

36.

Text - Drew Curtis @DrewCurtis Admission: I'm a time traveler from 2020. Enjoy 2016 - it's as good as it gets for awhile 2:25 PM 12/31/15 · Twitter for iPhone Drew Curtis @DrewCurtis This tweet aged well

37.

Text - Chris Ramsey @IAmChrisRamsey Snoring is basically bragging about being asleep, so loudly, that it stops BRITISH MEMES other people from sleeping. It's like lying there screaming "I'M HAVING A LOVELY SLEEP"

38.

Text - Imas Esther @imasesther adulthood so far has just been about me embracing all my preteen interests except this time with less internalized shame 10/2/17, 11:19 PM 13.4K Retweets 28.1K Likes

39.

Text - Bri @ufobri every time i go out in public wearing an oversized t-shirt everyone asks "are you wearing shorts under?!?" like no debra i thought today would be a good day to have my Bare Pussy out at walmart 8/1/18, 8:24 PM

40.

Text - Chase Mitchell O @ChaseMit Little secret about me: my answer to the question "would you like a receipt" is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time 7/29/18, 8:56 PM 9,284 Retweets 56.3K Likes

41.

Text - Brett Druck @BrettDruck A myth circulating the internet that garlic pre- vents and cures Covid-19 because of its microbial properties was busted earlier this year by an organization called Italy.

42.

Text - my mom went to a baby shower but didn't read the bottom on the invitation and it said "wear the color you think the baby is going to be." my mom wore black.

43.

Text - decent pigeon @decentbirthday The world would be bleak without DoorDash drivers @decentbirthday iMessage Today 4:52 PM This text conversation is related to a DoorDash order. edecentbirthday Hey they all out of lesanya lasanya Laysanya The shit Garfield eat 4:57 PM · 5/8/20 · Twitter for iPhone

44.

Text - tawdry hepburn @eraserheadbabby my friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson and if you don't think that's the best dad joke ever get out of my face

45.

Joint - To all the people saying time goes by fast, you've never been in this position before bloodclaa, a tawcha. @_gillianaire A plank minute is different from a regular minute

46.

Text - Matt. @MattTheBrand my parents, age 25: we're married with kids and we have a mortgage! me, age 25: after i learn this tiktok dance i shall have some shredded cheese for dinner 12:10 PM · 2020-05-01 · Twitter for Android

47.

Text - Michael Marshall Smith @ememess It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who's trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk. 12/11/18, 12:09 pm

48.

Text - dADDisms @Beagz My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m's without the kids seeing. 7:36 PM · 5/6/20 Twitter for iPhone

49.

Text - Boosh @whatsupboosh Coronavirus was created by Spirit Halloween stores so a bunch of businesses would go under and they could move into the vacant buildings this fall 11:31 AM · 5/3/20 Twitter for iPhone

50.

Text - cassy g * @CassyGoble when i lost my ex at a party i found him hooking up with another girl in the next room last night i lost my boyfriend at a party and found him alone eating buffalo chicken dip straight out of the crock pot upgrades

51.

Text - owamonange @BoasFrieda My 8 year old daughter just told me to stop taking pictures of her and uploading them without her consent... "those are your friends not mine" a a 3:22 AM 04 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone

52.

Text - JAVEN EMANI. W @_javenemani problem is I want a $1200 apartment for $5000 masc potatoes @CertifiedFool_ The real problem is that they're out here charging $1200 for a $500 apartment.

53.

Text - Vic @VictorPopeJr Flights cheap as hell rn wym Pre K* @stayfrea_· 1d How tf a hornet fly from Asia to America I'm bout sick of this shit

54.

Motor vehicle - BIG PAPI FROST @watchyourTONE THE LITTLE GIRL ON HER WAY TO GET REVENGE ON THE MONKEY THAT DRAGGED HER DVS 2:31 PM · 04 May 20 Twitter for iPhone

55.

Text - @shegonsuck which strain of weed makes you feel like you had a good childhood 4:47 PM · 02 May 20 Twitter for iPhone 17.3K Retweets 154K Likes

56.

Text - Hell you want? @TheRealDrePapi Parents will say "I'm not going to reward you for doing what you're supposed to do" then turn around & expect a mother's and Father's Day gift... TUH

57.

Text - L-BQQGIE 4 @AbstractPoetic1 l'll go outside after we see what happens with them XBlack Aziz I aNANsiN @Freeyourmindkid - 10h Y'all have fun out there. Me watching the 1st batch go outside. 11:51 PM - May 3, 2020 - Twitter for Android

58.

Text - Alvin C. Jacobs Jr. @acjphoto People are so ready to get back to life forgetting that in 1918 the second wave of the Spanish Flu reportedly killed 20-50 million. The first wave only killed 3-5 million. History does indeed repeat.

59.

Text - Cheryl Lynn Eaton @cheryllynneaton Ooh, the "self-made" niece of a multi-millionaire slumlord! WHO IS MS. MONOPOLY? SHE IS MR. MONOPOLY'S NIECE AND A SELF MADE INVESTMENT GURU HERE TO CHANGE A FEW THINGS. (IT'S ABOUT TIME.) GO MSMONOPOLY

60.

Text - BIG BREEEZ @BigBreeeez So l customized my own doormate Ho, why is you here? 18:24 · 06/05/2020 · Twitter for iPhone 18.7K Retweets 87.1K Likes

61.

Text - ziwe O @ziwe STUPID BITCH ziwe O @ziwe · 27 Feb 16 I'm so happy and thankful to be alive 7:16 PM · 08 May 20 · Twitter Web App

62.

Text - corona cutie @lickitoff Damn when black mirror saying shit is too wild shit is too wild IndieWire @IndieWire · 2h Indiere #BlackMirror Creator Says the World Is Too Bleak Right Now for Season 6 bit.ly/3frZzKX 10:48 AM 2020-05-06· Twitter for iPhone 15.9K Retweets 51.5K Likes

63.

Clothing - DADDY MOON BAE @EliLiberty_ Jimin Jr. someone said "Adele went from Hello to WTF DO YOU WANT?!?!??"

64.

Text - Rylee @RyleeMoser FOR WHAT REASON DOES EVERY APARTMENT COMPLEX HAVE A DOG WEIGHT LIMIT OF 20 POUNDS? I can promise you my 90 pound golden retriever is a hell of a lot better behaved than Karen's 7 pound piece of shit devil worshipping chihuahua

65.

Text - Same Old Karen From The Block O @IWriteAlIDay_ "You're so articulate!" Mine @sadeylicia 2d What's an insult that actually sounds like a compliment? 11:54 AM · 5/8/20· Twitter for iPhone

66.

Food group - kyeonidas @kyeonidas2 Started selling pans of food, call it OnlyPans TACO KIT ATLANTA LIVERT STEAK S CICKEN S INADLI KINANDIE NAID BRUNCH PANS CAJUN PASTA PANS CAJUN PASTA PANS METRO ATLANTA DAPOPE POR METRO ATLANTA METRO ATLANTA FEED OPLEFOR D4POPLE FOR 8:19 PM · 5/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone 21.5K Retweets 110K Likes

67.

Text - Kay Jovah X @KayJovahkiin from ages ages 20-24 you're literally just a teenager with bills 17:54 · 03/05/2020 · Twitter for iPhone 50.7K Retweets 309K Likes

68.

Text - JP @jillybean_109 MTV has so much old content it can air but chooses to run Ridiculousness 20 hours a day

69.

Text - Tweet and MONTE VERCETTI liked Rebranding @CourtneeHendrix Static shock use a trash can lid as a vehicle Hozay Montana @Hozay_ 1d Who's the poorest superhero? It's gotta be Spider-Man, right? Show this thread 12:19 PM · 2020-05-03 · Twitter for iPhone 9,635 Retweets 31.5K Likes

70.

Font - Juancho Jack of House Greyjoy... @Juancho_Braddy This picture talking to damn loud 90'S KIDS 30

71.

Text - alexus @alexuswah Universities are transitioning to remote learning for fall 2020. Freshman... please go to a community college to knock out your gen ed classes. I'm telling you, you're going to save thousands of dollars

72.

Text - @_Snoook Don't talk to me while l'm rubbing my eye...I'm not gonna hear you 10:23 PM · 3/29/20 · Twitter for iPhone BICLIPS 67.5K Retweets 263K Likes lasanya thee moron @xivsan 1d Replying to @_Snoook why does this make so much sense 228 ♡ 373 ryane @ryanenjones 21h Replying to @_Snoook My eyes be like *scwitchie scwitchie* Q3 27 16 540

73.

Text - John Boyega @JohnBoyega Remember when the ants in a bugs life realized there were more of em and.. you know what forget it. 8:23 a.m. · 07 May 20 · Twitter for iPhone 8,160 Retweets 45.4K Likes

74.

Photo caption - 1:35 1 Tweet * @stfuhxrtt · 1d DUDES WILL REALLY BREAK YOUR HEART AND LIKE YOUR PIC ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ITS ALL GOOD O 629 2739K O 215K SimpAss @DavidSnapped Replying to @stfuhxrtt and @AngeliqueDawnW It's not like y'all stopped looking good GIF 1:37 PM · 4/28/20 · Twitter for iPhone Tweet your reply

75.

Text - @в @AshBanks0 QB Don't let that dick appointment turn into a WIC appointment

76.

Text - Tarek Ali @itstarekali My little sister graduated high school and her quote i- erly Kristian Ellis I'm not really funny I'm just mean and people think i'm joking eep 11:21 AM 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

77.

Text - $. @crownkerra this quarantine shit is crazy, one wrong nap and you up till 7am 6:48 PM · 5/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone

78.

Text - Mary Annaïse Heglar @MaryHeglar When we're "back to normal," i want to open a bed and breakfast only for women suffering from burn out. I'm gonna call it Resting Bitch Place.

79.

Text - ΚΕΙΤHY ν @JuiceKing5x Idc whose house i'm at, i'm drying my hands on your decoration towels 2:09 PM · 5/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone 30.6K Retweets 209K Likes 0...:

80.

Text - Ebere Ekeledo @Ebere_ACE Black don't crack y ana @explicitxshady 1d Eminem at 27 and 47 years old 22:08 · 06/05/2020 from Lagos, Nigeria Twitter for iPhone 2,017 Retweets 3,611 Likes

81.

Text - Aye throw that Boyz II Men on @DragonflyJonez Man y'all remember places? Places were fun. We'd go there all the time. 20:50 · 5/5/20 · Twitter for Android 2,447 Retweets 7,648 Likes 27 Jesse @dopeitsjesse1 - 12h Replying to @DragonflyJonez We'd go to a place and be like "this place is wack" and then go to another place. There were so many places to choose from. 27 19 O 152 Aye throw that Boyz II Men on @Drag... · 12h v Places as far as the eye can see 276 58 <]

82.

Text - Bakari Sellers @Bakari_Sellers Why is everything open in Georgia but Grand Juries? You can literally get a tattoo but not get justice. 9:41 PM · 5/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone

83.

Text - Options Gang Karl @_TheCivilRight "Billionaires and millionaires unite to ask the currently underemployed working class for money" fixed it Rolling Stone @RollingStone 1d Oprah Winfrey, Questlove, Common, Alanis Morissette and Julia Roberts will lead a 'Call to Unite' 24-hour livestream to raise money for COVID-19 relief rol.st/3EXZILİ

84.

Text - José Vilson O @TheJLV Most of my work as a math teacher isn't even math. It's helping students believe that they can also do math. We don't talk about that enough. 10:23 PM · 5/5/20 · Twitter for iPhone

85.

Text - How do you send messages? A or B? Aa Aa HINI @therealdouhini A is for when l'm excited, B is for when I'm fed up with your ass

86.

Face - Phillip's Straight Jeans @BlackAngryCynic This you? Pharaoh_AC X @Rastarr_ 6h If She Weights Anything More Then 130 That Bitch Is A Cow

87.

Pope - David Dennis Jr. O @DavidDTSS when you're a kid visiting your white friend's house and he tells his mom to shut her stupid mouth 9:39 PM 5/3/20 · Twitter Web App 215 Retweets 604 Likes

88.

Text - Pioneer Jigg @DJigg_·21h Chick-fil-A has mastered the drive thru 61 27 11.1K 45K Leeroy. @lamKickz Replying to @DJigg_ I'll sit behind 40 cars at Chickfila before I sit behind 5 at McDonald's 2:34 AM · 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

89.

Facial expression - Malusi February @malusi_F... 2d v Some of you will be that friend who's 38 with a 1 yr old 2,974 L71,448 10.1K Summer D'on @summerdbeauty Replying to @malusi_February Some of you will be that friend who's 38 with a grandchild

90.

Text - J'Baku @detroitread White substitute teacher, 2032: Is there a X Æ A-12 present? XÆ A-12: beep beep Sub: ah thank you X Æ A-12! Okay now do we have a...000o...damn this is a tough one, I'm probably going to butcher it...Darius? 4:53 PM · 5/6/20 · Twitter for iPhone

91.

Text - clout @cloutdadddy hate opening stories on IG to see that it was posted "41s ago" now i look like a whole stalker 6:06 AM · 5/3/20 · Twitter for iPhone 39 Retweets 253 Likes

92.

Food - Vic O @VictorPopeJr These really be the best cookies tho baby face @itssrenn 12h this girl said "I made you cookies" and this was the plate Show this thread 10:04 PM 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone

93.

Text - you. @JLDN_ @JLDN_ Me pausing my music to listen to a heated argument in public. BOMBOCLAATER @captionation1 3/13/20 Bomboclaat CC 2:54 PM · 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone 7853 Retweets 36 2K Likes 0...:

94.

Hair - t7 JUST NINO Retweeted Chilambo @AdamSB. 7 year olds haircut now Vs my haircut when I was 7. 1:10 AM · 5/7/20 · Twitter for Android 13.4K Retweets 43.6K Likes

95.

Text - I'm Black and I'm not voting for Biden @rtyson82 karens have found their mlk THE The Hill O @thehill - 17h Texas salon owner sentenced to 7 days in jail for remaining open during pandemic hill.cm/ taCMsLz 10:05 68 CBSDFW

96.

Text - Yennifer @queenyennifer_ Fashion Nova be like: Lost your job? I9 Shop our newest suits for your next interview Use code: UNEMPLOYED

97.

Adaptation - t7 it's MISS Bitch, to you. Retweeted Teacher Teezus @_BlackShepherd Better ingredients. Better pizza. Papa Juan's. A cynthia @cyncntr 1d My dads quarantine project, always being creative. Show this thread 10:01 PM · 5/7/20 · Twitter for iPhone 19.6K Retweets 97.4K Likes

98.

Photo caption - kdot O @just_kdot when she say no titty for none of yall. 9:53 PM · 01 May 20 Twitter for iPhone

99.

Text - tee @tee17x black parents will play old school tunes for your whole life and then act surprised when you play them yourself, talking bout "what you know bout this?" 9:53 AM · 5/7/20 · Twitter Web App

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